So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
