Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
