I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
