I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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