Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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