At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
