i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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