i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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