I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
