Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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