i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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