I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I understand Curling. That high.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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