i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
