I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
