low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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