Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All the doctor said was why
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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