Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
