I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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