I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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