If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
