I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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