fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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