he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
