Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
