she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
