she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
