Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
