90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
