He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
