Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
