Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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