I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
