just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize