i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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