I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
