my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
