I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
