Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
