she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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