im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
