I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
