someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
