How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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