you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize