Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
