Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
