This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
