you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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