It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
