I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I love you.
Bad choice
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
