I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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