Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
