I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sorry about my life...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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