tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
