I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
