She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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