shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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