Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
