stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
