Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You were trust falling into bushes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize