Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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