new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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