I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
