I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
